I'll find my way to Neverland

eatingdisordermemes:

submission

So this blog made me both really happy and sad. Sad because I know what it felt like during that stage in my life - sad because I can remember it all so vividly and how horrible it felt thinking “Hanging out with friends? Won’t that mean I’d have to eat?” It is, in all honesty, the most depressing thought to realize your entire life revolved around food, the mirror, the scale, and weight in general. I love being fit and eating healthy over crap because it’s made me be able to LIVE life more and enjoy myself by actually going out and having fun with friends at Disney or Six Flags or in theatre or taking zumba classes or running or drawing. Even just having friends over for a movie night with  tasty home made food. Or fancy “dinner parties” that consist of a few 17 year olds asking a mother for help. Or having “typical teenager days” where I slept over a friend’s house, played Mario Party, ate nutella sandwiches and bell peppers dipped in hummus and cereal AND watched awesome shows until 4 am. THEN STILL FEELING HAPPY THE NEXT MORNING (if not a little nervous but smiling through it). Recovering is scary but it’s worth it…

I’ve realized that other than my self-confidence issues and the random really…REALLY bad relapse days and daily nerves….a lot of the thoughts have gone away. I’m happy I’m not doing those things to my body anymore - as tempting as restriction may be at times…

I think that’s why part of me really wants to go back to Cyprus this year. The last time I was in Cyprus I was at my worst (which would be the best compared to some people…guess that’s why I’m EDNOS.) But yes there is a big part of me that wants to go back there as a big FUCK YOU to my disordered thoughts that had me by myself and upset half the time I was there - so THIS TIME - I’d be able to enjoy those sea caves and my family get togethers and running at sunset to the beach to swim to Fig Tree Island and back then going to the bungee trampolines and talking with the British Tourists and be able to do all of that WITHOUT FEELING LIKE CRYING HALF THE TIME. 

I don’t know why I decided to pour my soul into this post…I guess ‘cause I want to reiterate the whole “It gets worse before it gets better.” “Stad up to your fear.” type thing considering I gained more than what I was before ED, but also realizing I’m STILL OKAY. And my body knows how to handle itself if I know how to treat it.

So what if I’m not the ideal body? I’m eating right and exercising.

I’m okay.

…..for a meme reblog this got really serious…

In Greek Orthodox Tradition, Lent is a time to do good and to also eat a (somewhat) Vegan diet - shellfish allowed. Usually this occurs three times a year, 40 days before Easter, two weeks in August for the Panagia, and 40 days before Christmas. I was fine for the Christmas fast, but Easter this year… since it’s Palm Sunday for me, some reflection….

I would fast for Lent like this since I was a young kid - do not think it was solely started as an Ana mindset, but this year I was horrible. I didn’t view it as a time to concentrate on more important matters such as my acts of goodwill, charity, or even in improving myself - I saw it as a diet, and I would cheat on occasion.

I’m not so much as ashamed at “breaking my fast” as I am about VIEWING this as a sort of “diet” of some kind - especially since I do value veganism as something for animal rights and as an environmentally friendly lifestyle. I’m a vegetarian, and would indeed like to one day become a vegan, but I can’t do taht until I better my relationship with food…

It sickens me that I degraded this lifestyle AND limited my spiritual growth. =/ I kinda want to do a little self-reflection with my own day of fasting (not in the ANA terms, but in my Greek-Orthodox terms of being a vegan), and also travel upstate to a very natural place so I can be around God and think. I’m not very religious, but I do believe in God and am connected with my culture, so this year’s fasting experience unnerved me…

How many do you have/do you recommend?

As of now I usually relax on Fridays or on Mondays. USUALLY I get a once a week rest day, but sometimes there are two days.

Would any of you suggest twice a week or is once just fine?

…you guys are part of the reason I never went back.

Yes I changed this blog from my ana-blog to a progression-blog back in late August/early September. Yes. It was mostly because of being slapped in the face (not literally). But I know that in these past months from September to now and continuing on I have my up days and down days- trust me A LOT of down days that I actually don’t mention on here. I try to be optimistic here so I’ll fail to mention some nights where I almost have panic attacks and cry myself to sleep, or the thoughts of never eating above 600 calories again….and I know I mentioned it once but for about a week and a half/two weeks I did go back, but then I logged on, and well…the reminder was here…

And even though talking to some people in real life helps me immensly - you guys keep me from starting down that road again. I don’t want to let people down here on tumblr. I don’t want to ever write “I’m sorry everyone, but I’m giving up.” I don’t want to unfollow all those awesome health food blogs, fitblrs, and people who ARE inspirations just to go and seek comfort with people who need it even more.

All of you remind me that I can be strong when I put my mind to it. That’s part of the reason I’m so scared sometimes, though. I’m so scared I’ll be trying my hardest to do things the right way and overdo it to the point that I’ll become obsessed and my disordered eating will start again…but you guys are that reality and wake-up call to calm me down. One of my favorite “reasons to be fit” is: “to defeat my ED” And even though I was never diagnosed, I know I had SOMETHING wrong with my way of thinking and eating and coping with loneliness.

So thank you. I REALLY cannot stress this thank you….you guys have saved me from going down a slippery slope I swore I’d never go down again.

AND it needs be serious….so I decided to write about how I feel conflicted telling my English teacher what’s been bothering me lately. For the first half of my senior year so far he noticed I was out of it, upset, and struggling on some days. All of my lovely followers would know it’s because I’m trying to do this the right way, recognize no matter what, my body actually IS fine, and not fall back into disordered eating habits. And you know what? Most days I’m okay, but I do have my off days, and times I really feel like giving up.

But he doesn’t know this. And he makes me feel ridiculously guilty becuase he’s been worrying about my little uhhhh breakdown…..And he consistently keeps asking “is anything besides college apps bothering you? Are you in trouble? Should I be worried?” Well. First off. I made the decision to write a small note and give it to him when we return from break. It’ll be brief and I’m NOT going too far into the situation, but I’ll tell him enough to put his mind at ease.

Ironically enough, even if I hate being in this situation, it gave me inspiration. This is the basis of my monologue I decided on:

A student debating whether or not to tell her teacher what’s been bothering her as she’s talking to the teacher. She’s going to mention how she hates discussing her emotions, know’s she’s not “weak” for talking but feels so stupid. How she thinks her problem is something miniscule, she claims she’s ungrateful and selfish becuase really? She shouldn’t have anything to complain about, and usually she comforts people and doesn’t need any coddling. etc. etc. And it’s basically a lot of “I’m okays.” and random arguements as to why she doesn’t need to say anything….then at the end it’ll end with “….Mrs Matthews….I <insert word sob story>”

PROBLEM IS: I don’t know whether or not to write down “I haven’t eaten in four days.” I need to perform this monologue, and a student in my class knows what I went through. I don’t want to give them the wrong idea that I’m relapsing when I’m not, but I can’t think of another problem. I KNOW there are a lot of issues I could write, but I need it to fit within her idea of pride, control, and “I can handle this” attitude.

reasonstobefit:

submitted by misspolska93

It was such a passing glimpse before I went to the gym, but I noticed it, my abs are WAY more defined than when I was recovering/when I was twenty pounds lighter, and what makes this all the more better: this is a product of my hardwork and new healthy choices. Yes, I’ve had A LOT of bumps on the way, but ultimately I’m doing this the right way, the hard way, and the satisfying way. :) I’ve never been more proud of myself.

Sure, they’re not perfectly chisled, or totally flat, but they’re THERE and they’re STRONG and they’re NOTICEABLE.

If I could - I’d tell you all how much encounter influenced me, the nitty gritty about said ups and downs, and how my best friend is currently playing a huge role in this, but I really should just keep my mouth shut and be happy. All I know is that I’m coming to appreciate my body - even if I have my off days.

:) Oh! And I made vegan gingerbread cookies on Thursday with all my theatre friends! I indulged a bit, but kept a balance between healthy and sweet tooth! I even fit in a workout :) I’m so happy! 

But aside from recovering and how my body looks, let’s mention how I feel. Like I said, ups and downs, Encounter opened my eyes unbelievable amounts, I cried harder than I have all my life, and I FINALLY - FINALLY -  let out something that’s been bothering me.

And my running! I’ve improved so much! My mile is <3 thought I have to say my distance is horrible. I really was built for sprinting - my soccer coaches were right. AND WEIGHTS OH MY GOODNESS, MY ARMS AREN’T TOTALLY PATHETIC NOW, JUST A LITTLE PATHETIC<3 

xD Worlds to improve, but gradually seeing change each day. <3

AND NOW FOR A REST DAY FULL OF HOLIDAY CHEER!

I’ve been disliking the mirror and frustrated with that stubborn lower stomach of mine. I work out, eat right, and granted I still often feel like a bloated balloon after I eat.

But just now as I was changing to do some weight training at home, I fixed my posture, as in no slouching over, and suddenly I felt more confident than I have in days.

Amazing what standing tall can do<3

^ when you’ve got that you can do essentially anything :)

(Source: ahealthyoneten)

keepcalmandbloghappiness:

Every Sunday morning, I browse Postsecret and look at the secrets people have submitted. I was really saddened to see this one. What made me even more sad, was that the amount of women who are striving to develop an eating disorder in an attempt to be ‘skinny’ or ‘beautiful’.

Eating disorders are severe, damaging and life threatening diseases and nothing to aspire to. I spent a fair few of my teenage years severely restricting my intake, following binge purge cycles etc. It ruined my friendships, relationships and my confidence. Luckily, I’m a lot healthier and happier now.

It frustrates me when I see so many young, beautiful women of a beautiful size, aspiring to be skinny. There’s more to life than skinny. How about fit? Healthy? Happy? Confident? Aren’t those things more important?

We’re bombarded by a culture that convinces women that we’re ugly if we’re not skinny. I say women are beautiful no matter what and people should strive to be healthy.

For anyone suffering with an eating disorder, here are a number of support sites:

http://www.b-eat.co.uk/

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

http://www.eatingdisordersupport.co.uk/

http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/emotional_health/mental_health/mind_eatingdisorders.shtml

You’re beautiful and if you need someone to talk to, I’m here. :)